My Bottom

It all came apart around 1989. I can't give specifics here, too personal. It was bad...real bad...so bad that I contemplated taking my life. Yes, I had reached my bottom. There's nothing lower or more self-centered than wanting to "end it all"! That thought, killing myself, so frightened me that I cried out to God.

Now, I had been preaching over 12 years at that time! But, I never needed God so badly before. And, I only knew him intellectually, not relationally. My journey was about to begin. At this point, everything I knew about God failed me. He was supposed to protect me! We had this deal. He would give me his best and I would serve him faithfully with my best. I kept my end of the bargain. Where was He? How could he allow something SO bad to happen to me? I was VERY angry with Him. And, I let Him know it! Here's how the conversation went deep in my heart, my soul:

Me: "God, where are you? You come speak to me right now! You owe me an explanation! We had a deal, remember?"

God: "I don't make deals."

***long pause, I wasn't expecting that reply***

Me, humbly: "I need you. I don't know where to turn. I don't have anywhere else to go. My wife is leaving. I don't have a relationship with my kids. Please, I need you. I don't have anyone."

God: "Are you sure you need me? Is there something you can try? Don't you usually tell people in pain at your church to get in church, to read the bible? Are you saying that is not working for you?"

Me: "Yes, it's not enough!"

God: "How about those Christian books? What was that title again?"

Me: "Not enough."

God: "Anything else you may want to try? Drugs? Alcohol? Another relationship?"

Me: "No. I need you!"

God: "So, you DO believe in me?"

Me: "Yes. I'm the preacher, remember?"

God: "People preach for all sorts of reasons. Aren't you from a long line of preachers? Are you sure you believe in me? Maybe you believe because your family or your Daddy believes."

Me: "I believe you are real."

God: "Good. Do you believe I am still good...though I permitted these bad things to happen to you?"

Me: "I don't know. I'm pretty upset about that. Let me think about it. I'll get back to you."

God: "Take your time. I'm here."[Several agonizing months later.]

Me: "Okay, I see you loved Job even though you allowed Satan to destroy his relationhips, his health, and his wealth. You remained good. I accept that you remain good regardless of the bad here."

God: "Great! When will I be enough?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

God: "Will our relationship be enough for you? Or, will you insist on having me PLUS something or someone else? Will you be satisfied with just me and what I am willing to supply you each day? Or, will you insist once more on getting from others what only I can provide? When will I be enough for you?"

WOW! That took years. It started me on my journey to know God, myself and others better. Eventually I was able to humble myself, seek daily the face of God, discover my own spirit within, get in touch with God's spirit inside of me, lower my expectations of others, and expectantly wait for God to supply what I needed. This changed everything, especially my relationships. I finally could answer, "Yes, Lord, you are enough." That was when the SUPERNATURAL love, joy, and peace began to bubble up inside my soul and overflow to others. (We give to others out of our excess.)

Honestly, if you could get from others what only God can supply, what need would you have of God? He can't allow that! He loves you too much!

God placed in all of us a "hole" only He can fill.